Being Me
by Bablefisk
Summary: On one of her summer vacations, Minerva meets a woman she can't help but be intrigued by. Then it turns out the woman is not who she though she was.- Written for the Hp spring fling exchange 2009


Minerva McGonagall was pacing in her quarters. As head of Gryffindor house, she had the use of extra large quarters; an office to work and talk to the students with one door leading to a large living room, another door leading to a bedroom and bathroom and a third to her main classroom. All the rooms had subtle colours, dark green and red and a subdued yellow.

Minerva's pacing followed a pattern that had been engrained in her subconscious over many years. Her mind was working furiously, lost in the memories of time, thinking about this very day all those years ago.

As her feet carried her between her rooms, she smiled subtly at the small details her mind found in its wandering.

After she had attended Hogwarts, she had started working as an apprentice at once, for dear old Professor McGinty. She stayed for the two years needed to finish her education and become a Transfiguration mistress. After those two years, she was asked to take over for Professor McGinty, something she did with pleasure. She loved her job, and rarely left Hogwarts, except in the summer when she visited her family, which consisted of two sister and a brother, all three married with several children each. Minerva loved the children dearly, and always enjoyed visiting her family, although she missed her school.

One summer, after 25 years as Transfigurations teacher, she travelled to visit her family and it turned out there had been some misunderstanding; they were all on vacation and were not expecting her for another two weeks. Her sister told her to stay at their home for as long as she wished, and not seeing any reason to go back to Hogwarts at the time, she stayed.

Her sister's family lived in a lovely little town, dotted with country houses. Minerva had never been able to get to know that many people there, as she only ever stayed for a week or so in the summer, but knew that it was a place where everyone knew who everyone else was. Therefore, she wasn't surprised when she earned a fair number of stares when she chose to wander the markets the next day. That was also how she knew the other woman she noticed that day was not from here: everyone stared at her.

Of course, Minerva thought that could also be because of the woman's immense beauty. Because that the woman truly was. She was tall, approximately the same height as Minerva, and had lovely curves. Her face was shaped perfectly, and the light wind blew her hair around, almost as if it were playing with the locks. Her eyes shone, and her mouth had a fullness and a colour to it that made it look extremely kissable. All this, of course, Minerva merely filed in the back of her head as facts and information; the girl was too young. Minerva had a feeling that she knew the woman from somewhere, but she couldn't place her, and so she dismissed it.

As Minerva was looking at the fruit stand at the market, she suddenly sensed a presence next to her, and looked up. The woman was standing next to her, smiling with a row of white teeth. Minerva gave her a small but polite smile back, and the woman introduced herself as Lydia. Minerva engaged her in small talk for a short while, if only to be polite. Although the talk itself was of little import, Minerva couldn't help but feel that Lydia wanted something more from the conversation, but couldn't figure it out, and let it go.

The next day, Minerva decided to take a walk in the forest, nothing strenuous, but rather following the easy path through the green trees. As she reached the edge of the forest, she noticed a figure coming towards her, and halted a little as she realised it was Lydia, and that the woman was calling for her to wait. They ended up talking the path together and walking, and Minerva experienced one of the strangest days in her life. At the end, Lydia had invited her to dinner the next day at the local pub.

Minerva went to dinner the day after, and as was becoming usual, Lydia did most of the talking. Minerva was a very careful person, and found it difficult to trust others, so she sat there most of the evening just listening to the other woman.

The days went on, and every day Lydia seemed to be able to find Minerva. After they spent a week together, Minerva finally let go a little and told Lydia a little about herself.

As the days went by, Minerva felt she was growing closer and closer to Lydia. When Minerva's sister and family came home, she still chose to remain and keep Lydia company, who was staying there all summer.

After a month of knowing Lydia, Minerva felt like she had finally found that one friend that she could tell anything. Of course, she didn't say anything about the Order or anything else classified, but she still felt she could.

After a while, it seemed that Lydia started flirting with her, and Minerva was more than a little discomfited. And when Lydia made it clear she was interested in something more, Minerva said plainly that seeing as they did not live in the same parts, that would be hard to maintain, but Lydia insisted. Minerva held her at bay for a time, but as the summer drew near an end, Lydia was becoming more and more distressed.

On their last day together they were sitting in one of the beautiful meadows that surrounded the town, both sad, but Lydia seemed to be struggling between sadness and fear. When Minerv a asked her, she wouldn't give a proper answer. When there was only two hours before Minerva's portkey left, Lydia seemed to come to a decision. She grabbed the front of Minerva's robes and drew her into a kiss. Minerva was so shocked she couldn't even react for a few seconds, but then she finally embraced the feelings she had been denying herself and gave up. She took a firm hold in Lydia's hair and kissed her back. The kiss ended with the two of them panting, leaning forehead against forehead with closed eyes. Minerva had changed her grip and had a hold of the front of Lydia's robes. And then Lydia attacked her once more, and Minerva responded with a summer's worth of pent-up lust. Lydia pushed and they both fell, Minerva pressed against the soft grass and Lydia on top. Minerva's defences were gone, and they made love in the meadow.

A little over an hour later, Lydia stood up and looked down at Minerva, with a sorrowful glance. The small smile that had been playing on Minerva's lips faltered, and she was about to sit up when Lydia started to talk.

"Look, I... " Suddenly she handed Minerva a letter, as if she realised she had been doing things backwards. "Please just read it when I have left. I know you will probably hate me by then, but I just couldn't..." She took out her wand, breathing hard a few times before aiming it at herself. With a last sigh, she spoke again. "I am really, very sorry, and I do care for you. I really do." She murmured a _Finite Incantatem_, and suddenly the Glamour she had been wearing dropped. Minerva's eyes widened as she recognised the woman in front of her, but before she could do anything 'Lydia' disappeared.

Minerva had been shocked, to say the least, and had to think through everything she said to be sure she hadn't disclosed anything important. When she realised she hadn't, and the anger started to slowly dissipate again, she made her way to Hogwarts. Her thoughts were still spinning, and as she walked through her rooms much in the same fashion as she would do every year for years to come, she started thinking of the ramifications of what had happened. She felt betrayed in a way, as if her best friend had suddenly turned on her. She also felt conflicted, as she knew the tightening feelings in her heart too well. As a woman, 'Lydia' become no more or less attractive by dropping the Glamour, although some of her youthfulness disappeared, but Minerva didn't really mind that part. But how could she trust the feelings she had had when the other woman wasn't who she thought she was? The other woman's feelings couldn't possibly be true, which made Minerva doubt her own feelings. She couldn't believe she'd given in to that woman; she had told herself time and time again that it was a bad idea. Minerva felt like screaming, but she knew people would have thought her mad if she did. She was so angry, both with herself and with 'Lydia'. Had it been anyone else, she knew the betrayal wouldn't feel this huge, but it wasn't. It wasn't.

After three days of thinking and trying to come to a closure, Minerva missed 'Lydia' desperately, and as a final way to reach her, read the letter.

_Dear Minerva,_

_This is a hard letter to write, and by now you probably know who I am. I know you probably hate me, but I need to apologize._

_I was sent to follow you, to get close to you, and get you to talk about all the secrets of the Order. I honestly hadn't expect you to, and I can assure you that you haven't. _

_The more time I spent with you, the more I grew to like you, and towards the end I was sick of the deceit. But I'm just a pawn, what can I do?_

_I care for you, I can almost claim to love you, and I am writing this letter to let you know that the woman in the meadow was me. That woman is who I wished I could be all the time. _

_Alas, I can't. _

_I hope you are able to forgive me, and I hope that you will meet me once more. I will be waiting at the Three Broomsticks five months from now, hoping you will come. _

_I know you will think this a trap, and all I can do is assure you it's not, and that I will hand over my wand to you for that evening, to get you to meet me. I know I am risking myself at Azkaban for this, but I have to try. _

_Love,_

_Lydia._

Minerva waited and wondered. She was unsure of what to do. She wanted to meet the woman, but knew the possibility for a trap was huge. By the time the day came around, she had decided not to go, but suddenly an urge hit her, and she almost ran to the Three Broomsticks, not wanting to miss the woman. As she walked into the room briskly, she looked around and spotted Lydia. Not the version without the Glamour, but the one with.

She had never regretted going there that day, and they kept on meeting. Every year, Minerva tried to persuade her to leave her husband and Voldemort and join the Order: they would keep her safe, she could come to Hogwarts. But 'Lydia' refused every time. When Minerva one year asked why she wouldn't, she told Minerva that she wouldn't put other people, and especially not children, in harm's way just because she made a mistake once. Minerva could understand this, but never excepted it, and kept trying to persuade her, but she never budged.

If one of them did not show, the other knew something probably had happened and just stayed there all night. Minerva had many lonely years while 'Lydia' was in Azkaban. When she finally came out of the horrid prison, Minerva had been afraid that the rumours about her being mad were true, but when 'Lydia' showed up at their next meeting, she told Minerva she had chosen to put on an act, making it all easier. And that the thought of Minerva is what kept her sane.

They both knew that no one could find out, one thing because they were both more than likely be killed if anyone did, 'Lydia' by her husband and Minerva for apparent betrayal to the Order. So they kept the façade up, playing their parts in it. But once a year the masks would fall, and they would be themselves again for one night.

Which brought Minerva back to present date. The day had come again, and as always she was a nervous wreck, always afraid that the woman wouldn't show up, that something had happened.

Suddenly the clock struck, showing Minerva it was time to go. She put on her outer robes with haste, and walked briskly out of the familiar castle. She never had any classes on this day, and her departures to the Three Broomsticks had made many students wonder and many bets go around. Minerva couldn't care less, as long as no one found out who her lover was, they could think whatever they wanted. Many of the professors also wondered, but not even Dumbledore knew the truth.

As Minerva made her way into the Three Broomsticks, she smiled at Rosmerta who gave her a key. She was used to the procedure, although she had no idea what was really going on. Minerva walked up the stair to the same room as always; number two. After locking herself into the room, she took a deep breath. Her stomach was crowding with butterflies, as always.

A key turned in the lock and the door opened, and Minerva sighed in relief when she spotted the form of Lydia. As the door closed, you could hear a faint _finite incatatem_ and see the unmistakeable visage of Bellatrix Lestrange appeared, surrounded by familiar black hair.


End file.
